HEATHER MAHER
When I was a little girl my mother
always used to tell me “If you’re pretty on the inside, you’ll be pretty on the
outside”. This simplified sentiment that “it’s what is on the inside that
counts”, came to mind recently when I was busy fixing my makeup in the mirror
before going out.
I have spent a considerable amount of
time critiquing my body. I have fought the constant, nagging feeling that what
I’ve got going on is just not enough. Some parts wiggle, some sag. For years I
felt pressure to look a certain way and to be ashamed if I didn't fit within
the tiny box of what is socially acceptable. When I went out on the weekends
and didn’t put on the cute dress and make up, I felt I wasn't doing what women
are supposed to do.
I was supposed to buy into the photoshopped
images by manufacturing industries trying to make a few bucks at women’s
expense. Even after becoming aware that
a lot of my body negativity was created by popular culture’s unattainable
beauty standards, I still struggled with accepting my physical self. I was
beating myself up for what reason? Who was benefitting from my internal
struggle? Was it making me happier? Did this self-hatred give me more friends
or make me more successful?
Several months ago, in an attempt to
improve my image of self, I decided to try viewing my body from a different
angle. Keeping things like appreciation and doing what feels good in mind, I
have found ways to quiet the demons.
How many amazing things can my body
do? So many. I have scaled seemingly impossible, rocky cliffs and marveled at
the view from the top. I ride my bike effortlessly everyday in this superb
southwest city. If I wanted to run a marathon, I know that my body would take
me there. The privilege that comes with being an able bodied woman can lead to
taking the simplest of things for granted. Not everyone can climb a flight of
stairs or even get out of bed. Remembering how lucky I am to be able to do
limitless things with my body makes the extra squish around my thighs
inconsequential.
When I began to focus on what was beneficial
for my body and mind more than what I thought made me look good to others, I
found a well of confidence. I made the decision to be the only voice telling me
whether or not what’s in the mirror is okay. This choice truly made me feel
happier and more beautiful.
I know that exercising regularly
makes me feel strong and reduces my stressors. Drinking water before my coffee
in the mornings helps me wake up and I start my day out alert. Getting tipsy
and eating an entire bag of cheese popcorn on the light rail with my friend
feels pretty damn amazing too.
This isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy
getting dolled up, because I do sometimes. Occasionally, those stereotypical
“girly” things do make me feel good. What changed was the source of validation.
Before, it was all about doing what looked right to the world. My thoughts on
my appearance only mattered in how best I could identify a “problem area” and
attack it. Who cared if I couldn’t walk in those shoes, to forgo them was not
an option.
Now, if I change something after
looking in the mirror, it is because I truly want to, to please myself. My goal
is to feel good about the choices I make with my body and I love all the things
I can do with it.
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