SHANNON YOUSO
I was 19 with a baby and nothing that spoke to parenthood was speaking to me. Motherhood was a club reserved for grown women with in-laws and white walled homes; no place for a scrawny girl with wide eyes, tangled hair and a beat up book of poetry in her pocket. In a society that is terrified of tacitly condoning teen pregnancy, I was marked as unfortunate and shuffled away from any belief in my potential. Friends blinked at me with sorry eyes. Last they heard, I was studying abroad and my life was going to play out like the opening of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Everything changed the moment I learned my fate.
It happened in West London, where I was attending a university that looked like a castle. I trudged through miles of thick fog to find the clinic. When the doctor told me, I shattered into a thousand heaving screaming disasters. The doctor drove me home in pity and said “You're going to be okay” but I didn't believe her. I was a sharp individual turned into a sad statistic. I was a book left out in the rain. But I found my way through sobs to stillness, and I dreamed of a little girl asleep on my chest. Her hair smelled like sunlight and I could feel her soft weight as she breathed. And I was in love with her.
To be honest, I wasn't so ambitious before my daughter was born. I never wanted to change the world, I just wanted to travel around and observe it with my mouth shut and a pencil in my hand. Something shifted when the love I felt for my child mixed with the judgmental looks, the raised eyebrows, the near certainty that I wasn't qualified, wasn't worthy. It lit a fire that glowed in my ribcage and sizzled like Pop Rocks. Yes, young moms have it rough. But with support and sheer will, we are capable of shrugging off the boundaries placed around us and we can flourish.
Young parents can be magnificent. While our peers are partying all night, we're up feeding the baby and washing bottles. We have the stamina for it. We burn our candles at both ends with youthful energy! We play and learn alongside our children unhindered by decades of tense adulthood.
We roll with the punches. Not everyone can do that; it's like a superpower. When life hands us a gnarled mess of chaos, we bend with astonishing mental flexibility to figure out what needs doing and make it happen.
As young parents, we are in a unique position to follow our dreams and bring our kids along for the journey. Our children learn how goals are achieved because they witness the work and are with us in our accomplishments.
For a while, what I imagined for my child seemed desperately far away. I wished for a place of our own, for a community in which people treated each other with kindness. I imagined us growing food from the ground and making art out of everyday life. Eventually these ideas grew into goals. While working to support my family, unhappy to be in the city we lived, I imagined what I wished we had in Phoenix. These thoughts were the genesis of what became The Bergamot Institute, and my daughter was an enormous part of its inspiration. As I wrote the 501c3 application in the evenings after work, she was with me, hearing all about it. Now we run community programs for artists and my daughter is guiding kids and leading activities, proud of what we do together. I am still working toward goals, they are ever-expanding and my kid is always a part of them.
There are families everywhere working hard, building communities and raising smart compassionate people. Scores of them do not resemble the status quo or fit into common family stereotypes. These differences are often what make them so brilliant. Our differences should be celebrated and uplifted, not hidden in shame. My fellow young parents, we are on the greatest adventure there is. We are not bound by the limitations others set for us. Using our fresh perspectives and our willful enthusiasm, we can embrace the dynamic lives we live and create the environment want for ourselves and our children.
Shannon's 7 tips for taking life by the horns with a kid on your hip:
Following your passion and making a difference in your community allows you to build the world you want for your children while teaching them how to build the world they want for themselves. It takes dedication but that's just like raising a family. So stand tall, young parents. You were made for this.
1. Create a stable home environment. Find a job and make yourself valuable at it. This will win you favors like leaving early to pick up your child, or taking her to work with you. This will pay your bills so you don't need to stress about them. Live within your means. This may not be glamorous, but it makes everything work.
2. Get over the dread of asking for help. I still struggle with this, but the fact is you cannot do everything on your own. If you don't have a supportive family, create one.
3. Spend as much time as possible actively engaged with your child. Be crazy together. Be quiet together. Just sitting together in the grass is perfect.
4. Visualize what you want your life to look like. Smell it. Taste it. Feel how it will feel. Share your goals with your kids and encourage them to dream. Now break your big goal into tiny steps.
5. Work on the first step. Your life is very full so this will take some sacrifice. Renounce boredom and bad habits, to start. You'll be surprised how much time and energy you find.
6. Keep at it. There is no finish line, it is an evolving path. Just keep moving forward. When you complete step one, celebrate! Start on step two.
7. Treasure your time. Notice the magic. Pay attention because each single day is the most important day of your life.
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